Is it true that if you love someone then you'll fight for them? Or if you love something you'll fight for it? If you really love them than wouldn't you stop at nothing to be with them? Or am I supposed to follow the whole "if you love something let it go...blah blah blah". What if you already let it go? And it came back and it was, um...different. And what's with people feeling like they need to be loved MORE. I mean, in a relationship, shouldn't the love be equal? Why in sooo many cases is it that one person loves the other person more...or one person is expecting the other person to love them more than the love that they are showing?
As I write this I realize that I'm throwing the word "love" out there a lot...and in the above situations, perhaps it isn't love at all that I'm talking about because TRUE love wouldn't be this way. TRUE love is equal. TRUE love is...well, true.
I guess it's just really really hard trying to not get caught up in the worldly view of what love is. Because that is what love isn't.
I'm kind of sad today. I'm not really sure why. It could be because it's been raining for like the past 4 days straight and I feel like I haven't seen the sun in a year...but normally I like the rain so I'm not sure if that's even it. I feel like crawling back into bed and pulling down the shades and just sleeping until tomorrow - but that's pretty much impossible considering I'm at work. I just don't get it. Like, everything is going semi-well. I love my job and I love my family and my friends and my church and all that good stuff...I just feel like maybe something's missing. I'm not currently in a relationship but I like it that way. I think. I mean, I do feel like I'm missing out on some things, especially now, around the holidays - but I'm so tired of meaningless relationships. And all of a sudden my expectations for a relationship are like through the roof. It's a good thing I suppose because I beleive I finally know what I want - but on the other hand I feel like it's going to be nearly impossible to find someone who will meet every aspect that my little heart desires. I know that God can work miracles though - and I know that somewhere out there, God is preparing my future husband, just like he is preparing me now to be someone's future wife. And I guess that is the one thing that will keep me going. The hope that right now someone out there is thinking of me just as I am thinking of them. I just miss having that companionship I guess. Hmm...looks like the sun is coming out. I'm not sure if I really want it to anymore - but maybe it will break this weird mood I'm in.
I've come to realize that all good things in life come hand in hand with some sort of stress. And it's just now that I'm seeing why it was that I got rid of all the "good" things that I did have, to aim for more "simple" things that were still "good"...perhaps even better. Now that life seems to be getting back into some sort of rhythm...got the full time job as an office manager again, family's all back together again, I'm mending some old friendship bridges again, basically just getting my life back into "order"...I'm seeing WHY it was in the first place that I didn't want these things, or to be more specific WHY I couldn't handle these things. I mean, what is order? What is getting your life in "order". Is that some worldview of how a life is supposed to be...or is the order your own view of how your life is supposed to be. And what if you have no idea of what your life is supposed to be because you haven't gotten that far yet...then is the "order" that you're trying to form your life into just going to be wrong and meaningless anyways? A few months ago I was living in my car with no money, no food, nothing really....except 2 very important things: God...and one more true friend. But I was happy. You would think by having NOTHING...and not really sure where I was going, what I was going to be doing next...how I was going to be eating next...You would think that those are the things that should have stressed me out MOST out of almost everything and anything I have been through in life. But it didn't. Nothing mattered...except the companionship that I had. The true friendship of someone who was by my side even though it wasn't the most appealing place to be. That understood everything I was going through because she was going through it herself. That gave me hope everytime my stomach growled or I got cold or tired...in a few simple words..."at least we have eachother." I used to think all that happened because "I didn't care." Because I didn't care about what other people thought or how they thought I should live my life or because I didn't care about working a 9-5 job and being miserable or finishing school when I knew what I was going for wasn't really what I wanted to do. Because I didn't care that I had nothing except my friend's company...but no. It wasn't because I didn't care. It was because I did care. I cared about my happiness. I cared about my sanity. I cared about my vision. And I cared about my friend. So what is it that I'm doing now? I'm not even sure...moving back home "because it was the right thing to do." getting the 9-5 job "because it was the right thing to do" fixing old friendships that maybe I should have never even looked back and saw "because it was the right thing to do." Will people now beleive that I am doing the RIGHT thing because I am doing the "right" thing? It's funny because although these things might aid me in getting where I want to be in life...it's not a happy life that I live right now. It's an aggrivated life. A stressed life. At one end of the spectrum I feel like I've totally sold out. I've given away my happiness for a chance to get ahead, to make things seem right. And at the other end...I feel like this was my only hope to move forward so that at least I'm getting somewhere.
So tonight I was online talking to an old friend just telling him where I've been for the past few months and because I've been in a few locations, actually, all over the place his reaction was, "Oh, same old Kat, huh?" and that totally caught me off gaurd. I was like what is that supposed to mean? And he was like well, you've always been a wandering spirit - you never stay in one place. And the more I think of what he said the more I realize that it's true. But what's funny is that when I was talking to another friend later on this evening he said that it's not always that I'm physically wandering it's that my mind is always wandering and always has been. I mean, I just don't get it. It's like what am I searching for? Do I think that having a wandering mind is going to help me to stumble across whatever is going to make me happy? Do I even know what would make me happy? or would I even know if that thing would make me happy even if it smacked me right in the face? I don't even think I could answer that question. And what's interesting is that I was thinking that everyone really "wanders" until they are content but I don't really beleive in being content. Like, I beleive that you should always be striving for something better and more fulfilling so you could never really be content...but what about being happy with where you are that this given time? Would that stop you from wandering? I get the whole "make a plan...have goals...stick to one thing at a time..." stuff but for some reason I just don't buy it. Is it that I'm afraid to fail at something? Like, I don't think that I've ever really had that fear in me before. I feel more as if I'm just stuck. And my mind keeps going and going and going but it IS in so many different directions that THAT is probably MOST LIKELY the reason that I don't ever feel like I'm getting anything accomplished. But I'm just so confused. I don't know how I'm supposed to make a plan for my life or move forward in my life when I don't even know where I'm going to be tomorrow. Am I choosing to make my life chaotic by not knowing where I'm going to be tomorrow? That's a great question because if I did know...or no, wait...if I made a decision about where I am going to be tomorrow and the next day, etc. than maybe it would be easier for me to formulate a plan for my life. So what's stopping me from making the decision? I think it's just because I don't know what the right decision to make is and although some people say when you don't know what to do JUST DO SOMETHING I fully think I live by if I don't know what to do than don't do anything at all...but then again where is that getting me in life? I'm terrified to be home right now, but I'm also terrified to leave it again because life out there is so much harder than it is here...but then again, only in certain ways. Either way I guess life is going to be hard - I guess figuring out which is the better side to deal with things is what would determine whether or not I stayed home or moved back out an hour and a half away where I do feel motivated and I do feel free and comfortable and happy. Is it possible for me to make myself feel all those things here as well or have I already doomed that possibility to myself? Wherever you go there you are, right? I'm here right now and I live one day at a time...I know that no matter what I'm going to be okay and someone very smart said to me tonight..."everyone will always be alive until they die." hmmm...so true.
http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"> name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11">
I always wondered how your world keeps spinning even though
mine so frequently decides to come to a sudden stop.Could it be that we’re living in two
different worlds? If I take myself out of myself for a second and try to look
at our lives on a plane…2 earths spinning at the same speed, surrounded by the
same planets and galaxies and orbiting around the same sun and then one
stops.But not as sudden as I thought it
would.It hesitates.And although the speed of it’s rotations has
dropped and continues to drop, it still fights for a way to keep up to the
other one.It still has hope that it
will get a push in the right direction.For some reason all I can picture is a match being lit and lighting one
end of a string on fire trying to ignite the force to make it start spinning
again but every time the flame gets close to the earth it withers away.And as my world is spinning, trying to
believe that it can jump back into the race – at the same time it’s waiting for
the other earth to stop to.It’s hoping
and praying and almost begging for it to stop.And as time goes on it starts to feel like it’s behind in a race and it
can’t catch up and as the hope fades
away, the flame that’s been lit to ignite it again begins to stop traveling any
distance at all.It gets to the point
where as soon as the string is lit – the coldness and dark bitter depression
just stomps it right out.And the hole
becomes deeper and deeper and deeper, and in the meantime – your world is still
spinning, almost completely oblivious to what is going on with the other but
wondering more about where it’s friend has gone and why there is no one
spinning next to it.Your world didn’t
see the slow demise of mine.It didn’t
see the dark take over…but it did see me missing.And it hoped for the best.And it knew everything would turn out just as
it is supposed to.And it kept moving –
perhaps to be an encouragement.Thank
you for glancing over your shoulder to check if I was back “yet”…and more
importantly – thank you for not letting me slow you down.We do live in two different worlds…but we can
either live in two different worlds apart or we can live in two different
worlds together…and I choose together.
